Web Manager,
Mike Aylen
GET YOUR OWN BACK
(on the conductor)
Your chance to strike back and to keep your conductor under your thumb
You may appreciate the following points which were displayed on a choir’s noticeboard in the USA
1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch pipe, insist on your preference for the piano – and vice versa.
2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, the lack of space and/or the draught. It is best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
3. Bury your head in your music just before an important cue.
4. Ask for a seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you’re about to quit. Let the conductor know that you are there as a personal favor (sic.)
5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses – tenors are trained to do this from birth. Quiet instrumental passages are a good opportunity for blowing your nose.
6. Long after the passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your low C was in tune. This is particularly effective if you didn’t have a low C or you were not singing at the time.
7. Wait until well into the rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don’t have any music.
8. At dramatic moments in the music – while the conductor is emoting wildly – be busy marking your music so that the climax will sound empty and disappointing.
9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
10. Whenever possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim he must be hearing the harmonics.
11. Tell the conductor: "I’m not sure of the beat!" Conductors are always sensitive about their stick technique, so challenge it frequently.
12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is not familiar, ask him as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. Occasionally say the word twice and ask his preference for pronunciation, making certain to say it exactly the same both times. If he remarks on their similarity, give a look of utter disdain and mutter under your breath about "subtleties of inflection."
13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the latest recording of the piece you are rehearsing. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good is: "Is this the first time you have conducted this piece?"
14. If your phrasing differs from those singing around you, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage, just before you are about to go on.